Journaling; Evidence. Patterns. Truth.


As I was reading through old files, I stumbled across this blurb I started, but abandoned. I often don’t recall what I’ve written under a particular file. Many of my files start out as journal entries.

Even in high school, I learned to read my journals for patterns in my life. Oftentimes, my words were the truth and there was no denying it. The evidence was there. It kept me sane. Throughout my twenties and early thirties, I’d sporadically try to write in a journal, but quickly abandon it. I just didn’t want to create such evidence. It seemed overwhelming to face and I had grown tired.

After a decade, I couldn’t hold everything crammed inside and allowed myself to write more and more starting with the first episode in California.

March Journal Entry

Two women with similar features. Short nose. Round cheeks. One looks around my age; the other around my mom’s age. They step out of the hot Yoga class as I wait to enter the next class. They chatter about how hard the class is. They smile. I can see the raw, unfiltered love and intimacy between the two. Abruptly, I look at the floor for a minute and then raise my eyes, intently studying Jenni’s painting until I forget the women are there. It hurts just to step outside my door lately.

Patterns

The abuse hurt physically, emotionally, mentally yet the aftershocks in adulthood are in so many ways the hardest part of healing. As a woman you go through relationship difficulties, career uncertainties, financial stress… In those moments, I really needed a mother. When I see other women connecting and bonding with their mothers, interacting like two adult women the familiar pang of jealousy fills my heart until it feels broken.

I’ve been told that I’m a “strong woman” and “seem fine.” On the surface yes, but down deep I silently wish I didn’t have to be so strong. You see though, if I didn’t stay strong I’d die. There were no nurturing arms to encircle me. No kind, encouraging words that I’d be fine.

I learned to numb myself and go through life with as little feeling as possible.
On a subconscious level, I must have understood that if I allowed myself to feel, I’d drown.

I never learned to self-soothe so I substituted mother pangs with alcohol or whatever was in reach. Over time, I’ve improved and can stay afloat if I show my human side even if through words alone. Yet, I still have days. I go through spells where it is difficult to let myself feel. Lately, I’m teetering on the edge of numbness, but I keep fighting to avoid the numbness, the feeling that nothing is real.

When I numb myself it can make expressing me, even in the written word difficult and at times almost impossible. Since February my fingers haven’t wanted to touch the keys even though my mind screams to let my hands free my mind.

I’m telling myself I must sit down and write so I can release what is preventing my growth. February saved writing files-two sentences, a small paragraph, with a page or more of blank space in between.

I’m transitioning into the next phase of my life and I must keep healing for it to happen…For me writing is much of the healing…I’ll keep writing my truth even if the truth isn’t always what I want to accept because in acceptance truth makes it real.

11 thoughts on “Journaling; Evidence. Patterns. Truth.

  1. mandy smith says:

    It takes a mighty lot of strength to keep fighting to find your truth, bdl. You are doing that. You are healing. You are strong. ❤

  2. I think I hate the numb feeling more than anything else because it shows how sick I am. Right now I’m feeling everything and it’s all super awesome (curse you mania) but I know the numb will return. I’m going to fight it, just like you, when it does. You’re doing so well to keep battling through it. Keep writing Bdl- I’ve clung to some of the posts you’ve written because they made so much sense. X

    • bdlheart says:

      I’m so glad to be able to connect through words. I love to know I’m helping others get through with some of my posts. Thank you for the compliments. Hugs! I go through periods when the feelings and writing flows. Other times the feelings and writing dries up. I think our creativity and ability to express is stored within this mania at times. I’m deeply proud of you for fighting through it. You are a fellow soldier.

      • Alaina says:

        I hate the numb nothingness – when all I feel is empty and insubstantial, not even real enough to be a dream.

        But right now, the emotional turmoil I am experiencing is so painful, I would give almost anything to go back to being numb again. Why am I feeling so awful? I don’t know! I thought I was better than this. I feel like such a wimp.

        In times like this, I cling to the hope that this, too, shall pass. It always does pass, sooner or later. Usually by the time it does, I have learned something I needed to learn, gained a valuable insight. So I try to stay positive. I count my blessings. I hold our little rescue poodle. I take deep breaths.

        And I come here and read bdlheart’s poignant words, and know that I am not alone.

      • bdlheart says:

        Alaina I’m so glad my blog is helping you. Hugs times a million! Please don’t beat yourself up. You are right. It will pass and you will have grown stronger. I don’t think it’s a matter of being better but instead of meeting yourself where you are at. It isn’t easy to live with the PTSD and the feelings of abandonment that naturally arise from being harmed by our mother. Yo

      • bdlheart says:

        Happened again. Sent before I finished. Give yourself a pat on the back for how far you have come. Write until your hand grows tired. It will release you even if you write or journal about your day to day feelings.

  3. giasuniverse says:

    I am so proud of you Bldheart for writing this! It’s freaky how similar my feelings are to yours. Every time I see a father with his daughter, their understanding a loving bond it makes me so incredibly sad because I never had that and never will, I won’t ever even know what that feels like to have your dad care about you, help you and support you. A world where when you feel sad or have a problem you could call your dad and share your worries….Instead I finally came to a decision to stay away from him out of necessity to protect myself…

    Last summer I went to an exhibition and at the end there were pictures of a man and a young woman-his daughter, she also became a movie maker and they worked together-to me that was astonishing and I felt so jealous. Why couldn’t I have a dad like that? One that nurtures your talent. Grrr..Then I had a crazy idea of inventing an my ideal father in my head based on this movie director guy. Even now I would love to meet an older guy a sort of adoptive dad who would be my mentor a guide…How pathetic.
    It’s also no coincidence that I fell in love in my husband when I saw him with his daughter-he is the ideal father! That’s what I wanted for my kids! Sorry for a long comment but your post really hit the spot! In a good way, we are not alone 🙂 And really writing is so therapeutic, over the past year I realised so many things that were there all along but I didn’t see it. It means reliving the past in a way which is very painful and you want to run away and hide in your numbness, but isn’t that part of a therapy to experience the emotions again in order to release the pain?
    Oh and writing in journals, for me it’s kind of a double edge sword, it helped in one way to release the pain, but it also would not let me forget anything , I often tortured myself just re reading it! So I say it’s absolutely a good idea to write it down, but not reading back most of it, or at least nor reading it back often :-p Who would have thought that we would be sharing our journals with the world, that takes guts and we are warriors Bdlheart and others commenting here. Take care ladies, sending love to all of you!!!!xox

    • bdlheart says:

      I was only able to reread the journals all the way through one time. I started typing them from the beginning one time thinking they would be important when I summon the courage to write my memoir in its entirety. I too think it is important not to obsessively reread them because it can be a trigger at times. It feels good to realize I’m not the only one who longs for such a relationship. I clung to auntie like that and at times I worry she will leave. It is hard to accept that we can never really have this connection no matter how much we want it. Love your long comment so no worries. Hugs times a million! You too are strong Gia!

    • bdlheart says:

      This is so frustrating. I need to take my tablet to the store. Replied to this but didn’t show it.

  4. bdlheart says:

    Oops moment. Comment did post. Lol

  5. giasuniverse says:

    Thank you Bdlheart! Yes definitely a trigger, but also a possible tool for healing, I agree with you totally when you sensed it would be important. Do you have a reason to worry that your auntie will leave you? Or is it just a fear? It is good you have her! And yeah even if we could find a substitute parent now, I suspect it wouldn’t be enough because we needed the loving parent as kids and you can’t turn the clock back. We recently moved to US to be with my husband’s parents, and I was so looking forward to having a dad, but he passed away, but Mum is wonderful, I feel so blessed to live in a comfortable environment, where I can relax and feel loved, I guess that’s why I am in a good place to deal with my issues. I wish that for you too Bdlheart.xoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s