I Promise


I’ve struggled lately.  I’m on bended knee.

The distance I feel between Auntie and I has left this gaping wound in the center of my heart.  She’s the only person I’m able to cry near even if just by phone.

Nothing comes out but my eyes carry the hurt.  My eyes betray my smiling mouth.  Joy does not crinkle the edges of my eyes and mouth.

I promise myself I’ll keep blogging even though I want to curl under heavy covers and die.

I promise myself I’ll try to pull out of this isolation.  Starting tomorrow  I promise to blog once a day even if it’s something as short as a quote.

Most of all I promise to get out of bed at 6 a.m.and put one foot in front of another…

18 thoughts on “I Promise

  1. Alaina says:

    I’ve missed seeing your posts and comments. Now I know why. 😦

    • bdlheart says:

      I’m struggling with isolation. My Meds weren’t filled for 4 days. Then increased dose from 300 to 450. Hope I even out soon. In that space where it is hard to do anything even things I love like reading and writing.

      • Alaina says:

        Oh boy… I could probably write an entire book just about my experiences with medication. I said a prayer for you. Here’s a ((((HUG)))) if you want one.

      • bdlheart says:

        Thank you! I’m always so happy to see your comments. I’m thinking about switching to an integrative health doctor. Don’t want to see long term effects. I was having withdrawal symptoms in just a few days. My hands shook like those of an alcoholic. Ugh.

  2. ❤ keep fighting it, we're fighting with you x

  3. Alaina says:

    How are you doing?

    • bdlheart says:

      I’m at that point where you’re trying to climb out of the depression and do the basics. My house is a complete mess, but I’m telling myself to just take it day by day. It has been a beautiful weekend. Having sunshine is a real mood booster. How are you?

      • Alaina says:

        Oh…. I don’t even want to answer this question because I don’t want to bring you down. I am okay all things considering. Our wonderful Cattle Dog, Lady, died in my arms a few days ago. I have taken my Diary of a Mad Scapegoat blog offline for now, meaning that I made it private only to me, because I just want to hide from the world. I loved Lady so much. She was with us a little over 8 years. Her death was sudden and she did not seem to be in pain or fear but my heart aches.

        Please forgive me if my answer brings you down! I almost did not tell you but I wanted you to know in case you were wondering why you could no longer access my Scapegoat blog. I also hid my Healing from Crazy blog, but I left the PTSD can Heal blog up, so that the resources for getting help with PTSD are still visible and searchable for the general public.

        I am trying to focus on the things I am grateful for. The joy and love we had with Lady all those years. The knowledge that she had an awesome life with us. The sweet little poodle we found nearly starved on the highway last year and nursed back to health… he is a great comfort. He is missing Lady, too, he was lick-kissing her face…

        Okay I am shutting up now. In my experience, all things considered, life is wonderful and terrible and hard and an awesome priceless gift.

      • bdlheart says:

        I’m so sorry about Lady. Personally my dogs are like my children. Heart aches for you, but you are doing the right thing focusing on the good memories. I tried to respond to this a while back but my phone frustrated me. Didn’t mean to not respond. Hugs

  4. Alaina says:

    I don’t suppose you live anywhere near New Mexico? I was just thinking how cool it would be if I could help you clean and tidy your messy house, and then you could help me clean and tidy mine. Maybe we could figure out a way to do that virtually. 🙂

    • bdlheart says:

      Indiana. I’m actually reading a book titled The Art of Decluttering. Haven’t read too far in but found a few helpful hints to start. Think I’ll write a blog post about it. The major point I took away was to clean in categories not rooms. Love the virtual idea. Let me know of any ideas.

  5. giasuniverse says:

    Thinking of you Bldheart! De cluttering is a good idea, it could make you feel a little better. Sorry to hear Alaina about your dear friend passing. I lost mine in November. It’s terribly sad. (((Hugs ladies)))

    • bdlheart says:

      Thank you Gia! I am gradually working my way back. So far I’ve washed my clothes and cleaned one bathroom. A bit sad but getting through with lots of time on my yoga mat. Hope to be more social online this week. Hiding from the world only deepens the isolation.

  6. Alaina says:

    Hi BDL, I’m replying to your last comment to me here, dated March 24 — please don’t worry or feel bad about not replying to my comments sooner. I understand completely. I am the same, I go through spells where I get way behind on everything. I haven’t read my email in days and days. I’ve set my blogs to private, to me only, because I could not handle the exposure… or something, I’m not sure if “exposure” is the right word. I don’t even feel depressed, really, just out of it. I’m doing the best I can and trying not to beat myself up for not doing more. Beating myself up only makes everything worse, as I’m sure you know.

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