If Only We Could JUST

It’s been a rough week, month. I’m fighting to get through the week, do the most basic of tasks. Perhaps this poem reveals a bit of my anger at the outside world. There are moments when I think if only mental illness manifested in a physical form then we wouldn’t be judged-silently or otherwise-for our often hidden struggle…

Dear world,
I don’t beg on the street.
I’m not the man,
Holding the sign.
I’m not the woman,
Stumbling across Washington Street
High and bruised.
I’m the woman who drives past
On her way to work
Sloppily brushing matted hair
Quickly covering the passenger floorboard with a yoga mat
To conceal
Empty McDonald bags
Month-old dirty Tupper wear
Scraps of paper…

You see, I work to conceal the inner-grime

The unacceptable bits
The bits that merge
One day
A million bits stick together
And I’m buried.
No hand reaches toward me.
I close the door
An average suburban home.
Sometimes I throw trash outside my door
Sometimes I neglect the yard
Yet, no one knows.
With the click of a lock
I vanish into chaos.

The difference between the man, woman and me?

Because Dear world,
We’re mentally ill
And no we don’t need to
“Just get right with God”
“Just get over it”
“Just forget about the past”
“Just tough it out”
“Just grow up”
If it were just that easy
The man with the sign would vanish
Mingle with the acceptable masses.
The stumbling woman,
High and bruised
Would leave the heroin needle
In the back alley
Dear world
She too would
Mingle with the acceptable masses

If only we could Just

13 thoughts on “If Only We Could JUST

  1. mandy smith says:

    Beautifully stated, Bdl. ((Huge hug))

    • bdlheart says:

      Thank you! So glad to see you back on your blog! Hugs!

      • mandy smith says:

        I’m surprised I’m back on my blog! I became aware how much more quickly I recover now when I have a set back. It’s a good sign when my need for people dear to me outweigh running for cover. ♥

      • bdlheart says:

        Do I ever hear you on that! I am a huge flight risk. Ha. Ha. In all seriousness I have to keep an eye on that. If I’m not careful I’ll go on a spree and try to rent an apartment to get away from my husband. Most of the time it’s some non-existent problem I create in my own mind. I think the PTSD can be hard on spouses too. Try to apologize but sometimesIt is hard to explain our state of mind especially when it isn’t grounded in reality. Proud of you for coming back. I’m sorry someone was cruel to you online. Internet is such an easy thing for a person to hide behind. Think people feel bad about themselves and hate on others. I always embrace myself for a random hater.

      • mandy smith says:

        And isn’t it crazy, when we don’t even know the mean person, and we give them the kind of power that knocks us down? It comes from those horrible messages delivered to us when we were younger. It’ll be a lifetime challenge, but it really helps when we know there are others who get it. Yes, partners have it rough sometimes. I don’t know if I could handle someone who is up and down all the time. I have a hard time living with myself, lol!

      • bdlheart says:

        He tries but therapy changes me so much and he travels for work so much that I think he doesn’t know what is going on when he steps in the door. Including dating we”ve been together 13 years so like everything else we get through it. Love is a beautiful thing. I’m not accustomed to normal love so I push him back sometimes. I worry-on occasion-that someone could take the vulnerability I’ve shown here and use it against me. However, the more I tell the less I worry. Strange thinking I suppose. Lol

      • mandy smith says:

        Lol. That element of surprise when he returns home must work–13 years is darn good! Absolutely–getting it out is a very good thing 🙂

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