Christmas Blues


2015-02-15 12.26.44

As I drive down the road, the flashing Christmas lights make me feel nauseous.  Inside my typical suburban home stands a four foot fake tree.  Its top is slightly shorter than the TV.  I bought the tree in a fit of energy.  I felt festive, but only for a bit.  That was a month ago.  The sad Charlie-Brown tree has no decorations and a strand of lights burnt out.  No presents lay under the tree.  I feel like a scourge this Christmas.

The question at work is always, “So what’re you doing during the break?”  I force a smile and pretend like oh yeah, just going to visit family, no big deal.  I try to pretend I’m one of them.

The truth is I have no idea what my husband and I are doing for the holidays.  I dread the idea of being in proximity to her.  I thought my PTSD was in check until a few days ago.  On the drive to a social event with co-workers I had a PTSD incident.  I could only clearly see what was right in front of me.  Upcoming flashlights looked blurry.  My mind did not want to stay present.  I slid into my seat five minutes before the wedding began.  I could hear the blood pumping in my ears.  I did not want to stay present.  During the reception, I had to try extremely hard to be present.

After an evening of hell, I slept for hours.  Today, I forced myself to brush my teeth, get dressed, and go to a meditation class.  I returned a few hours ago.  I feel calm, yet quietly sad.  I’m ready for this week to pass.  In a few more years, perhaps auntie will be right and I’ll learn to make my own holidays.

How is everyone coping with the holidays?

2 thoughts on “Christmas Blues

  1. LaTanya D. says:

    “I try to pretend I am one of them.” I can relate to this. The holidays mean something totally different to us. It means loneliness and illuminates that we’re different.

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