Spacing Out

The dots are all starting to connect.  I realize now that I have been disassociating for a long time.

I have spent what seems like hours, staring at the TV, but not taking in a bit of the plot.  I have read several pages in a book and remember little to none of what I read the next morning.  I have had phone conversations with friends, which ended prematurely because I zoned out on them.  I have had conversations with my husband, and spaced out on every other sentence to the point I lost the conversation.

I spaced out on the last half of the school year-half-coaching, half-working, half-breathing, half-moving, and by the end sitting in my office, door shut, and avoiding everyone around me in fear of what now seems to be anything associated with my adolescence.

By the end of the year, I had grown comfortably numb, and then, it was gloriously over with.  It was summer break and I did not renew my contract…

Survivors, do you struggle to stay present?  If so what helps you remain present?

7 thoughts on “Spacing Out

  1. Alaina says:

    Yes. I do. I struggle to stay present. It frightens me when I find things I’ve written and don’t remember, things I’ve done and don’t remember. Where does my mind go when I’m not remembering?

    • bdlheart says:

      I think I dissasociated most of my childhood. I think when I hit on anything childhood related it takes me back to the place where I shut down and space out I imagine you too had to disassociate to survive. It is scary when it happens though.

      • Alaina says:

        ” I think when I hit on anything childhood related it takes me back to the place where I shut down and space out..” Wow. Brilliant insight. Yes, I think that’s what happens with me, too, I just never had the presence of mind to figure it out.

      • bdlheart says:

        I become more disturbed the further I progress in treatment

      • Alaina says:

        It’s kind of like having necessary surgery to save your life, isn’t it? Painful but ultimately healing.

      • bdlheart says:

        Excellent metaphor. Without “surgery” our potential dies and we risk becoming a statistic.

  2. bdlheart says:

    Wow. Total oops. Wasn’t finished writing the last coment when I sent it. I meant to say I am disturbed to know in just how many ways I dissasociated. Yet, many of those ways turned me into who I am and actually became my talents.

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