“Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakes.” Carl Jung

I am a survivor of childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse.  There I finally said it.

For thirty-five years my body and my mind has lived with mental and physical pain.  My story, like many others, takes me down roads thick as mud with denial.  I became stuck for many years, burying my past, and trying to paint the future pretty shades of pink as I crossed the aisle, said I Do, received my B.A. said thank you and walked blindly into the future.

I drank a lot.  I did some drugs.  I acted out sexually. I did everything to push away my husband, a man who has given me more authentic love then anyone.

Some days I glance at who I was before full-blown PTSD charged into my life, and I see a woman that stays young and afraid, yet plays with fire, silently wishing to get burned.  I received lots of burns.  I was teaching myself a lesson.  See, my mind said, you are bad.  You deserve bad things to happen.  After convincing myself that I deserved what I get I met someone who would teach me the truth-It wasn’t my fault.  I didn’t deserve it.  As the plane touched down in LAX, I had no idea life as I knew it would soon be forever altered.  I was soon to receive a blessing.

This is my journey as a child abuse survivor walking the sharp peeks and shallow valleys of PTSD.  I hope my ramblings inspire survivors to charge onward and wake up with hope instead of dread.  Most of all I hope my story opens people’s eyes to the fact that child abuse leads to mental illness.  I hope this will serve as a cautionary tale for parents, teachers and anyone who has been given the awesome responsibility to care for children.  They are fragile and they do break.  Please handle with care.

3 thoughts on ““Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakes.” Carl Jung

  1. Hi! I was searching for blogs about child abuse and your website came up. I wrote a short memoir-based iewbook about child abuse and abandonment and was wondering if you would be interested to take a look at it? The book’s title is ‘Finding Anna’ and is due to be released 24th December. I do have review copies in PDF, if you are interested. You can get in touch with me through email. 🙂

  2. mandy says:

    bdlheart, I’m so glad you started your blog and are sharing your story. I see such growth in you already. I’m glad you are finding other survivors here to find encouragement from. I see something in you–a real strength–strength that some people used to tell me they saw in me, behind my fears and anxiety and shame. And here we are today! I just found your first post and glad I did!

    • bdlheart says:

      Thank you so much. I do believe people come into others lives for a reason. Initially, I was scared to come out and tell this story, but now that I have I’m glad I did.

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